"Credibility"

Some sound advice from my perspective of your dire emergency:

If you chief complaint involves anything in the belly (nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, or pain) DO NOT show up in the waiting room with a piping hot bag of McDonalds takeout.  Your credibility for this complaint and all others just went out the window.  Likewise, do not let your vomiting children eat in the waiting room, because you will see how food exponentially expands in the stomach just prior to being vomited; suddenly just one French fry becomes 2 gallons of vomit on the floor.

In fact, if you or your companion had time to stop for any kind of food on the way over here, it can’t be that big of an emergency, so please don’t badger me and ask me how much longer it will be.  I will eventually stop being nice and simple say “people are seen in order of acuity/severity, not in the order that they arrive” which in my head means your complaint is bogus and you will wait until all the truly sick people are seen.

Don’t tell me that you came to the emergency room because it’s closer or more convenient than your primary care doctor.  It’s like me parking in your drive-way in the wintertime because it’s more convenient for me to have you shovel out my truck.

If you take medication, chances are you have a history of medical problems.  An antihypertensive does not cure your high blood pressure, it simply helps you manage it so that your head doesn’t explode.  Insulin doesn’t cure your diabetes, it simply helps you manage it so that your blood isn’t the consistency of cake icing.  So please, when I ask you if you have any medical problems, do not say “no” if you’re going to rattle off a laundry list of meds after that.  And please don’t answer “not really” when I ask about medical problems, surgeries or allergies; you can’t be “a little bit pregnant”, you either are or you’re not.

Everyone from a secretary to the brain surgeon will instantly assume that if you say you’re here in pain and allergic to Ibuprofen, Tylenol, Toradol, Naproxen, & Dolobid you’re drug seeking.  That’s just how it is, so you better start coming up with something more creative than that.  ER hopping (like bar-hopping) in one day doesn’t work either, everybody knows everybody in this field.  And we are far, far too immune to the “my doctor is out of town and my prescription was stolen last night” excuse, that’s just comical.

If you say you or your child has a fever, to avoid looking like a moron, measure the actual temp so that you have an answer when I ask how high it is.  “Baby feels hot” is not a quantifiable fever, whereas 103.2 rectally is.  For further reference, 99.9 is not a fever either.  And for Pete’s sake, medicate! Under 6 months it’s Tylenol, over 6 months you can give Motrin or Tylenol, or even both together.  Yes, yes I am well aware that Tylenol has been recalled, but there are generic options.  What are generic options, you ask – well it’s like GAP jeans & Target jeans, you’re looking for the Target ones; yes a mother really did ask me what “generic” means and that was the exact analogy I used.

If you scream in my face that you can’t breathe, I will point out the opposite to you – you are moving enough air to scream, you can breathe.

Just because you come by ambulance doesn’t mean you will be seen first, or even second.  End of story.